How perfect would this world be if only we determined the error of our own ways. I think we'd all be a little less stressed.




Happy New Years
I'm babysitting
And making a hundred and so dollars :0

"I can't see nothing, nothing 'round here..."

Passed out and forgot my name last night
I dont think "it's going to be alright."
No, no not at all. "I will fall, I will fall.."
"I want to be alive," the man sings
Staring at this tattered ring.
Time and time again, I ask myself
this can't be good for my health.
And all I want, is in the pouring rain
you to come and act insane
Tell me I'm pretty and you made a mistake
and that tears rolling down your cheek aren't so fake.

My impetuous wishes
your 'mean nothing' kisses

watch me fade away...

Okay, how about everyone gets off my ass about the things I feel. I'm sorry that I care about someone that I'm "not supposed to", I'm sorry that I messed something up and that I lost someone that was very important to me in my life, I'm sorry that I'm upset and that everyone around me seems to be able to justify feelings otherwise, but for now, I am hurt. And I don't feel like taking anything from anyone, so I'll just curl up into my little 'lonely girl' corner while ya'll bitch about me not having the right to feel this way until I've had my time to get over it...

If you think it's stupid or ridiculous or a waste of my time to feel sorry for myself or complain about my own pain then DoNt read what I write. This is how I vent, this is my escape from the stupid judgemental world we're all so wrapped up in, and I'm not about to let that change.

::tells herself:: this will go away, this will all go away soon.

Stayed up till 6, only to wake at 11 with the news: "I don't think it would work out between us, Bre"

Well, I'm glad that's off your shoulders, I'm pretty sure it was there all along
I just hope everything goes as fucking plan.
While I lay here, lifeless and float away
you'll find me dead in the fucking sand.

Self-medicate till you go away
it won't be hard to find a replacement.
Just one that means the same, feels the same.
And even though I fucking hate you, I'll always love the memories [the ones you fucking stepped on today]

So good luck with your fucking fill-in
I hope you find shit I couldn't give
and while you suck face and fuck the days away
I'll be dying to live..

By the way, I give up on my 'masterpiece' it would've been stupid.

Chris is on his way! On his way to my house today! Hey!

good day, bad day. i hate youuuuuuu boy.

All is lost with you, so in the mean time I will do something productive.

I am creating something, for all of you. Because I love you all so much and I want you to know how beautifully I see you. You guys mean the world to me, and I love the things you say.

Friends, leave your responses on my tagboard or send them via AIM. LooOOve Yoouu GUyys.



If you could give me a quote, a meaningful outlook on Life, Love or just Experiences in general, [you pick which one] What would it be?

This love is a love that branches off, apparently, and I am left at your will. Kiss me and tell me it's over between the two of you or drug me up and leave me crying. At least I'll be floating until I come down. At which time I'll ask you again to tell me what I wanna hear, c'mon baby whisper in my eeeaaar.
Straight from my heart to Cory. Via Codine.

PiNK HAiR

semi-permanent. and i loooove it. it's on the tips and i streaked it a little.
that's about the highlight of these past few days. i'm waiting for a decision. i'm feeling like second-best. i'm feeling like something i want more than ever is right in front of me and i'm touching it, but it's hands go elsewhere.

Oi. I need a shopping trip. I need some new substance.

This stupid JAgGeD PiLL stuck to my throat, polluting my stomach, filling me to the top.

A few minutes, I feel it sinking, into my blood to rot away or whatever makes it feel good.

A few more, the time is really ticking. So desperately obvious, but at least I feel fine. Yeah, I'll be fine in no time at this rate..

Almost an hour, my god what have I done. This fucking substance, does me no good what so ever. Alone and shaking. You couldn't help but crack a smile at this. A stupid girl takes stupid pills cause of one stupid kiss. No, it's more than that. 6 months I'll miss.

"You can't make them want you, they're all just laughing" --Taking Back Sunday. Oooh how I love those boys. Mmmm, mmm.

You kissed me like you meant it..
And I know, that you meant it..

Love takes its toll, that's for sure.
Never wanted this much, you never wanted more.
Now all the sudden everything's gone
and all we have left are some stupid songs.
I can't take this for long.

When you love someone
a choice like this shouldn't be so hard
A caring person like you, it's difficult
But the Fact still stands, if you Wanted to be with ME..and not anyone else..you WouLD.

I think I know your answer, already
How else can you explain the tears rolling down your cheeks
You want her, you don't want to hurt me.

Understanding, I wish I could be.

Take this fucking gun and kill me please.

More and more confusion everyday, when will this just go away?

It's been too long.

My old friend, we've both changed so much. I like your beard and the way you laugh. Thanks for coming to see me, let's not let time get between us again.

Aye. Last evening, I was actually happy for a few hours. Props to:

One Derek.
One Sarah.
One Meg.
I love you guyssssss

[I don't know what to think of you. You tell me one thing, you do another. If you don't want to see me, that's fine but don't pretend I'm fucking blind.]

I love you TBS, you have the perfect words for a bitter little girls heart to relate to..

And I'm not so sure
If I'm sure of anything anymore..

You're so guilty it's disgusting
She's been sneaking underneath your sheets
and your hands have been in places that they probably shouldn't go
but don't worry, sweetie 'cause i already know.

Regardless, my pictures, they don't line your mirror.
Regardless, you know that I'll still wait for your call.

::sigh::

~Look at you, keep smiling~

Merry Christmas.
Thank you for calling, though I don't know whether to feel at ease or restless as usual. I do love you. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused, I knew not of how that felt until now. And I never meant to, I care..so much. If things are over, I promise to remember the great things, there were so many things I loved. I had many firsts with you and I wouldn't of chosen any other person to share them with. You've taught me so much..about my self, about others. If you don't mind, I have so much more to learn. This will either come across as really lame or really caring and sweet, hopefully the latter of the two.

::playing the fool::

Stole my words and used 'em for profit
The things I believe belong to me.

A tribute to things lost:
Behind drunken eyes, pursed lips
I never thought it'd come to this.

A friends house, or getting high
stay up late, the clouds fly by.

You we(a)re my star.
A little girl scared to have come so far.

Of all of them, you were my favorite feel.
It took something like this to make it real.

And though I can't go back, I hate some things I've done.
I still want to be good for you, what light will I have without my sun?

I have deleted an entry. I do not hate anyone that I have not had the chance to meet. That is obsurd. I do not even hate the other, who I have known for so long, I hate what he did. I hate the way he made me feel. I hate feeling jealous of something I know not of. I hate being clueless to what's going on, and furthermore I hate making myself pull away from the world because I am too hurt and scarred to look anyone in the eye right now and be decent with them. My body is restless with all this envy and hate and betrayed feelings inside of it, I shake at the very thought of you. A dream haunting me over and over. But I do not hate them. How immature would I be.
The fact of the matter is that I'm just a little teenage girl. I don't know how I feel. I just take 'em as they come and I realize that that's just not good enough for the world. But I will not try and change myself. Only time can change all of this, and I am willing to wait.

Oi. What a week. What a Christmas. I love all of my friends. Thank you for the advice and love you've given me. I don't know where I'd be right now without it, but probably not somewhere nice. Merry Christmas. Tell yourself "It could always get worse. If not, then it has to get better"

A little sleepless. I dare not close my eyes, everytime I do so I see this image in my mind you made for me. I thought I was okay to write, but I shouldn't do this. Hateful, spiteful words will spill from these lips once so poisoned by your own.

Dead. Empty. Fin.

I am nothing now. Sitting in white. There is no color, no pigment. The only hint of a sound comes from an unknown faucet. Drip, dripping. Dripping blood from my vains filling this void with what once made my very heart beat. Now I stare blank. I dare not move, the arrows are pointed directly at my chest. I only gaze, blink, barely breathing. An arrow flies at me, pinning my arm to the wall (an apple in my mouth, a target painted on my body). I do not flinch, for I have felt this sting before. The urge, an urge to see the stars is quickly shattered with another pointed blow, this one to my leg. I am seeing a pattern now, they'll kill me slowly, I am their pig. Another arrow is let loose from the bows, then another and another until my body lies limp. This deathe sentense is a beautiful one. Here I am, these things killing me are the only things keeping me held together, as I look at my murderers, their eyes cold and black, my sickened face mirrored in their eyes, these are those I have loved...

An infidelity, to say the least..

And as they sat, alone [/ together] under the infinity of stars,
she felt whole, and wondered if he could ever feel it again..

I feel drained.
I'm happy, but I feel empty, tired, everything is so relentless.
I just want a break.

Can't anyone see that all I need is a TIME-OUT. Away from everything?
Christmas isn't supposed to feel stressful and be filled with heartache.
It doesn't even feel like Christmas time. Where's the spirit and the love?

I used to count the days, how many is it again...

You can lose yourself in your courage..
If not now, when?

Wrapping around an old little finger
The tree's swaying, this will be a good winter.
Everyone is on the go
Spending money here and there
Anything to show how they truly care.
Stress in place of bliss.
Well, I'M enjoying the scenery
A ciggarette in hand, remembering the good times.

Let's make these Nights we'll never forget...

I'm feeling very PINK today. Yes, yes. So pink, infact that my hair is pink. Too bad 'tis only temporary. That could aaall very well change. In due time. In due time.

Going to a skate park
in an Abercrombie jacket. ::thEy loVe yoU::

Kisses. And lots of 'em.

"Sweat'n for the Oldies" yes, an ooooold one:

Saturday, June 21, 2003
I am hanging suspended in midair. Like a puppet, my arms and legs dangle loosely. Exhaustion drags down my eyebrows and the corners of my mouth. Darkness flows around the contours of my body, avoiding my skin, It seems that nothing wants to touch me. In an instant, my left arm whips out. My right leg kicks at the emptiness.
All of a sudden, my arms and legs begin to scramble frantically. My lips and eyebrows turn upward, energized. Around and around I twirl until the darkness begins to whirl with me, losing its round shape, oozing, splashing, jetting me forth.
In the soft light of morning, I am born. Dancing through the air, my movements are delicate and graceful. A welcoming sparrow pecks me on the cheek. A butterfly caresses my lips with its wings. Gnats, June bugs, and dragonflies dip down to taste the sweetness of my skin. I am wrapped in wings. It seems that everything longs to be near me.

You fire your loaded gun.
I am lying naked, empty on the cold, cold ground.

Tumbling realities..
when all you hoped for
lies shattered on the floor
when you ask your one-way questions
and feel the empty rising.
it's not at all surprising
to know everything's melting
and you can't do a thing
and the one you want to breathe for
can't give you anything.

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?...
Yellow Submarine-- watched it today. Muy bueno.

Don't beg, it takes away from your boyish charm.

FREEEEdom of SPeech:
She smokes and announces it to the room!
What a stupid little girl.
How dare her say a word!
We all know she CrAaAves attention.
And the world needs my opinion.
And the world cares about my opinion.
And the world sure does give a FUCK about my opinion.

There's a pain in my stomach, and a hazy rain.
And I stumble to get myself up again...
Today, Yesterday. Breathtakingly crude. I don't understand. I don't see why Josh had to go. I want him to stay here, we had so much fun, he was always there. Smoking, talking about our crazy things. Sitting on Derek's backporch sharing a ciggarette enjoying life and all at the same time hating it. But it was cool, cause we all did together. It was in unison, a joint effort.

A good friend.

"CH".
"You would say that."
Love you, kid.

The look on your face as you threw our addictions at me
Screaming through your eyes, and I knew that you hate me.
Begging for a reply, locked myself away calmly.
Try and bring me down, I feel this is the right way.
You don't know how difficult it was today.

I'm sick of fucking rhyming and everything is out of tune.
So go to hell, you fucking jerk..and blah blah blah...um, June.





Blasted poets.

The nightingales are coming out..
What a way to celebrate Christmas. Alone. At least I'm with friends and I haven't ruined absolutely everything, I love you guys. I love you Zachy. I love you Sarah and Ally and Meg. I love you Cory and Steven and ...and well everyone else along the way. You guys make me so happy and ..And I don't ever want that to change, no matter what else happens [or doesn't happen]. I don't ever want my friends to be sad, or down, and just..you all mean the world to me. [Even those of you that aren't supposed to.]

THank you, and goodnight.

just going through a few old journal entries from a few months ago..

I can honestly say i was happy for a while. Something about you makes thoughts rage through my head and I can't stop hearing beautiful words. Damnitt, I'm falling into a pit again. Somebody pull me out..wait..no I want to stay for a while

this is totally one-sided and I'm wasting my time..

"hello beautiful" (i need this)
but she said not a word, just smiled.
and she thought he knew
just what that smile meant,
when she leaned back on him
(a night well spent)
but i think it was the moment
and nothing more at all
shes still thinking over and over:
"I will FALL. I will FALL."

TOOL
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

I like your face
So, everything's a daze
I've been here before
I promised not to look back [but I like it]
I hope I do well
at this secret game I play
Keeping the pieces seperated
...or trying anyway

::sigh::
Never wanting you to leave..

Play it again, Love.
this web you're spinning
Subconcious Devil.
with your sweet eyes
rough hands

Teach me immunity from
this poison lethal to me.
Make me oblivious to this
connection of we.
Lead me not toward the darkness of you
I know I will FALL * I know I will FALL [when I cannot see]

Yes, toxicity and everyone loves the stars.
It's something unoriginal, a feeling so far.
And as I reach for them,
you laugh in my face
'cause I'll never make it
make it away from this place.

But you, you have touched them
many, many a time.
And what once was a beauty
seems not so devine.
Still you discard his romance
holding me to the ground
singing, your pretty voice
such a pretty sound..

But you weren't singing for me
that, I see clear.
For we'll never relive
our old affairs, my dear.

A Kade.
He's losing faith in the stars
what has this world fallen to?
A beautiful boy with a beautiful heart.
How dare you, hot sun, corrupt his fine eyes.
Don't you know the moonlight
is his heaven in disguise.

Is this a bad night or am I just dying?
We got in a fight cause he got caught lying.
And all this time we gave up trying.
For what? Who's to say, who's denying
that what we had is multiplying?
What are these curious thoughts signifying?
And how much time is worth your buying
when all she does is sit while crying?
Things would be fine, yes, things would be flying.
And here I sit, "sighs" and "why" ing..

[Late and no one is awake. Why am I so wired? 'Tis another NoNiNdUcED high I have not felt in a while, not the same as the others, no. I dislike(/enjoy) these omens. I do not wish(/ I beg) for things to happen. What a shady girl, what a shady facade. That is, if everyone didn't expect just that(+ a little more) of her..

These grass stains on my knees, they won't mean a thing..
True, young boys must grow into big boys, but not through corruption, I don't think so anyway. It's getting late and I need some sleep, I just thought I'd put my two cents in before bed.

Oh, and I was so happy to see you two.
Oh, and jealousy is stupid, concentrate on the bliss.

IF I'M JUST BAD NEWS..THEN YOU'RE A LIAR!!
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When I smell you I think of midnight where things are done that nobody knows cause if they did they'd die to forget

how's that for controversy?

I LOVE people's petty minds. The way we think amuses me oh so dearly.
Our train of thought goes as follows:
1- We see a boy and girl, linked arms walking down the hallway.
2- The boy walks the girl to her classroom and they stand outside for a while chatting before the bell.
3- We immediatly invent this supposed relationship between the two of them. [I mean, c'mon. What members of the opposite sex link arms and walk eachother to class if they aren't dating!]
4- We proceed to go as far as to ask if they are dating.

::whistles::...