October 31, 2004

I can't imagine all the people that
you know or the places that you go..
when the lights are turned down low
& I don't understand a l l
the things you've s e e n
but I'm slipping betwineen
you & your big dreams

[wake up] because your blood's too thin
we're going to need to bring you in..
now, darling, just don't be alarmed
we're going to get you safe from harm
you had a little run in with these pills,
do you remember it, honey, remember the thrill?

October 28, 2004

Have you ever watched your /windshieldwipers/ while you're driving?
And all the cars on the road, different colors, all sorts of different types,
__but when it's raining, you know,
we all have our \wipers\ on..
and all at different times but..
then for..just a spl__it second,
they all syncronize...
like part of something new, something great.
It's one of those moments where time stands still
and you realize we're all in it together.

October 26, 2004

BREATHING WITHOUT YOU IS LIKE TRYING TO BREATHE THROUGH CLOSED SPACES
So sometimes I think I'm too good at setting bad examples.
And that breathing my air is like breathing cyonide.
Lethal&Toxic. You don't want that, do you?
Of course not, my voice's shot. Must be something going around. DEfinately not on this part of town. No, not here. No, not Edmond. Not guilty of such false pretense. A slave to one's mother: "I BIRTHED YOU, I BIRTHED YOU" yeah, and now you're a whore. And Nobody Likes a Whore! That's for sure.

What ever happened to that boyfriend of yours?
OH that one? Yeah he got away.
I'm sorry he couldn't stay around.
And what's so profound is that he did it to.
My god, TO YOU?
No, some other girl.
WHY THAT'S AWEFUL! IT'S NONSENSE! FORGET HIM AT ONCE!
Yeah, I suppose sometimes we should forget the things that used to make us the happiest. I just don't understand..

Slave-master's calling..

October 25, 2004

I SUGGEST WE LEARN TO L0VE 0URSELVES BEF0RE IT'S MADE ILLEGAL

I think that sometimes we forget who we are we begin to be influenced by others so greatly that our self-image becomes SCEWED. Are we constantly MORPHING into something else? Can we never be secure with ?o?u?r?s?e?l?f?S?
HOW MUCH IS FAKE?
is there a difference between FAKE & SCRIPTED...
&plastic (isplasticsobad?)
Why so many questions?
98275928679346208 ANSWERS.
2Minutes, now what was this good for?
Nothing but venting, just running in CoIoRoCoLoEoS...

Grounded.
What seniors in highschool do you know that get grounded?
I don't know any.

*a kade*
I hope you're really coming.
I hope you aren't faking.
I hope you mean it, that you want to see me.
Because I can't handle the truth otherwise.

Co. Where are you? I miss you?
Are you still the same?
A little insane?
Do you still miss my lips?
Are you letting me slip?
Please just catch me
before I
bust my head on this concrete
I need memories I need your face
that I tried so hard to forget.
But why am I trying?
Is this falling?
Is this falling out of love?
God, please stop this.
I can't breathe.
Please.
PLease?

October 22, 2004

RIP Peanut Lowe
I'll miss you, sweetheart.

October 21, 2004

tired. wasting away. college. boys. money. food. too much food. cheer. school. research project. codeine. cravings. green day. thedoors. curly. i miss. i miss too much. come back. go back. can't go back...

Sometimes, I do believe, I fantasize about you and me.
And what we had, and what we'll have.
When I show up for school one day, show up to your house.
And you're busy with some new girl that you forget to tell me about.
But you let me in anyway.
Pleasantly awkward, and we hit Kirby Lane.
Have one of our 'talks' that makes us feel better about ourselves
-about US.
Do you know how much I miss you?
And how I hate that you don't call me?
ANd how I'm drifting further and further away
and how am I supposed to make you stay
when you're there with MethHead
and I'm listening to more and more Emo
You hate it, you don't hate it, do you, love?
Do you love me?
I'm turning down advances left & right to hear you mean it.
To hear you say it one [829742] more time[s]
Why can't we end this?
Or can we? Or are you?
I miss the house, I miss the parents.
I miss the Marlboro Lights
[I bought a pack just the other day to be closer to you]
The love in your eyes
and YOURE NOT PERFECT YOURE NOT PERFECT
You fucked her and you LIKED IT
what do we have to say for ourselves now?
keep listening to the same old songs
bashing heads in "What went wrong?"
it's over, you're making it over, aren't you?
It's too hard, isn't it?
They got to you, didn't they?

Please don't let there be reason to stop smiling.

October 17, 2004

Such a good honest man,
I know dad wants to be just like you.
You raised them all to believe in themselves,
A happy home, 'do the right thing'.
And they're better, we're all better because of you.
Because of what you taught us.
Such a profound sense of the world.
And I know she was so used to you taking care of her
[of everything of everyone]
and she wasn't used to the tables turned
But everyday she was there with you
I hope you know how much she cares.
I hope you know how much you're missed.

Rest in peace, Papa.

October 15, 2004

HOW utterly tragic...
you're falling out of love
at such an alarming RATE
winding in and out of your winter memories

too many ciggarettes on that straight-stretch of road
heater ^, windows \/
cold, but sweat rolls down your back

sure but ?unsure? friends not quite?
(more than lovers,
more than hidden)
less than loving
more than flirting..
it is, but it wasn't -reverse that-
rehearse this:
we kiss in the rAiN..
it's less than MuNdAne
then we cry
and she lies....

and one runs away
I haven't finished it yet,
I figured we'd ad-lib a bit
whether you take me back, and we dance to no music
or we curse at our love
(or the down fall of such)
and blame & "for shame"
thank GOD for these pills
makes much more of a THRILL
to zone out the rest now, dear, here's the test.

in this gun, i've got bullets
how many?
I know not.
Go on now, my darling
and take the first shot...

this
will
be
the
only
time,
your
last
chance
to B L O W M E A W A Y

October 14, 2004

do, do you, do you know,
do you know how long I've waited
to look up from below
just to find someone like you...

[Bert is my homeboy.]

October 13, 2004

(by the way, these are all extremely old updates, bare with me, just enjoy.)

Begging for attention from this sick-sad little boy,
you're jealous & you're loathing,
go play with your toys.

you close your eyes
and see my sins
seductive and menacing
-i let him in-

pockets full of change, I'll drive across the world
such a sob story when it's happening to you
an ultimatum with nothing to do...

no one else's body fits mine so perfectly
and I learned that sex is much more than a feeling,
it's when two are in love
and comfortable with the lights on
and that tingle you get
without saying a word.
---------------------------------------

I'll do anything I want (or you want not what they want)
whiskey-water bottle
earrings >>falling>> to the ground
(hiding out in the open, they will never know I'm here...)

Razberry-flavored poison-ade
stolen ciggarettes EvErYdAy.
two shots {none-the-richer}
________more the lousy
____________the killer

"it's like a burning ciggarette
once you have it then it's gone
once you taste it, then your lungs
then it's in you, CAN YOU FEEL IT?
BLACK ADDICTION, HERE WE COME!
All the bottles facing upward,
force it down [have some fun]"

imperfect *, imperfectly carved,
now an imperfect scar b/c SCARS DON'T FORGET.

-----------------------------------

[[more on the way]]
<3

WHY AM I SO FAR AWAY FROM YOU

AND IT MAKES ME SAD 'CAUSE I LOVE THE FRECKLES ON HIS BACK
(THE ONES YOU DIDN'T HAVE_
THE WAY HE SINGS [but he doesn't sing for me.]

is it b/c he's oblivious
to that spot on my neck?
__or the burning in my eyes?
MY VULGAR EYES confuse, intimidate him
itturnedyouonitturnedyouonitturnedyouon
itturnedyouonitturnedyouonitturnedyouon
itturnedyouonitturnedyouonitturnedyouon

sometimes I get tired of greener pastures
I get bored with hopping white fences
breaking free from this BREaKING me
and retiring back where these wishes were made
these dreams were dreamed under my night-time sky
recognizing infinite feelings and asking "why"
always the QUESTIONS (always WHAT IF)
always tensing-up stomachs
secret t(w)alks>>
hiding out our secret thoughts
but thats SO BORING, SO REHEARSED
I want to wake up with a thirst
[for you and a life all about us]
[to look, to see your eyes,
to see <3>
but it's not over,
I'm still tearing fences down
WHEN WILL I STOP
WHEN WILL I STOP this?