"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on trees--just as things grow in fast movies--I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."
-The Great Gatsby

...where the wind comes sweeping down the plains

Yes. The day finally came. I said goodbye to my beautiful Austin, and drove away to this new life. A lot of interesting things can happen once you leave home, in my particular case: It rained for 30 minutes straight and I couldn't see a damned thing in front of me, my car began to stall, my gas card was denied, my car died and I had to leave it in some motel parking lot, and now my precious baby is in the shop. Not to mention I have no home for 30 days, I'm leaving in a furball-infested apartment complex until our house is ready.

I miss Austin already. The music, the faces, the stories. The fantastic drives around town [with no specific place to go] that I was just getting used to. Honest to God, I don't know how we're going to do this. For the next 11-12 months, I am dating a telephone. With a voice over 400 miles from here. I am hanging onto a memory, with every possibility of failing, but I want. I want and if we succeed in this, if we can do this impossible thing, then love is not an obstacle anymore. No, to me, this is the test. How long can we take it? Who's going to break?

Forever.

Ballins, Keyboy, Homegirl, Townsell, Chubbs, Big brother, Kade, Little brother, Zellar, KTQT, Lizard king, Frankus, Foreman, J's, Bloody Brit; all of you are my favorites, each one a different story waiting to be told...

Remember that sonnet I told you about?

Blooming Realities (spark of something)
It's the beautiful symphony of us
Paradise of dreams I fall asleep to
My secret insurgency that I trust
Despite attempt, I fiend for something new.
Put of my plans for a little phone call
the Karma Police must be after me
A little voice in my head, "you will fall"
We're dangerous, chaotic and obsene.
I know this feel, the fading in and out
of conciousness and you and this love.
I have a question, what are we about?
And does it matter what we become of?
I want to hear your melancholy thoughts
Before they dissapear and all is lost.

<3 SONG

Why do our eyes burn to form a tear?
And how do we differ between wasted years?
Why, close to end, does it all break apart?
Why is this weakening my lonely heart?
Why is it that all I do is cry?
Why, tell me why, all my questions are 'why'?
When the storm rolls in, I will drown in the pool
while I'm tramping around as they "pity the fool".
So I ride the wind away from this place
black smudges raining from my face...
I wish you all well in my pitiful hell,
as you're looking down the bridge in the place where I fell.

HE THINKS SHE DOESN'T CARE
BUT WHAT DOES HE KNOW
WHAT DOES ANYONE KNOW?
[a whole lot of nothing]
HES WHAT SHE WAKES UP FOR
AND SLEEPS TO
AND EVERYTIME HE SMILES OR RUNS AWAY
IT REMINDS ME OF ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
BUT IT CAN'T BE THIS WAY
EVERYTIME WE CRY WE LOSE A SECOND WE DON'T HAVE
IN 11 DAYS WE'LL HAVE ALL THE TIME WE NEED
BUT WE SHOULDN'T NEED IT, NO, BABE.
IT SHOULDN'T BEEN THIS WAY.
I LOVE YOU AND IF I COULD, I'D STAY.

[ at the end it all falls apart.
save it save this save us save it save this save us ]

P R O M.
So, about that. It seemed like just another school dance to me. Everyone piled up into a gym-like environment, teachers (+ cops) all around, and a DJ that only played [c]rap the entire time.
I did, however like the mix of people there. It wasn't just one or two particular groups of people at Prom, it was everyone. I did enjoy that.

Also, I did not get intoxicated. I did not induce myself with any drug of any kind. Therefor I did not drive under the influence. I did not stay out all night. I did, however, go to one party, where someone handed me a beer at which point I proceeded to go home and crash.

On a side note, everyone did like absolutely beautiful. Those pictures will last me a lifetime and the limo was amazing. Although some hopes were let down, and despite Prom not living up to our expectations, we had fun because we were all together and I wouldn't of had it any other way. [Plus we all got to dress fancy!]

<3

Falling back to me, back to me.

Today I wrote a song called "Austin Love Song."
I was in a downright horrible mood when I wrote it.
I'll put it in later tonight.

And the best part of my day:
MY NEW STERIO SYSTEM.
She's beautiful, I tell you. Beautiful.

<3

If this place wants to forget me, then I'll forget this place.
Simple as that.

Fuck off.

I feel like the other side of me is coming out, today.
Like I can look around and see things that were not there yesterday.
Like I can see you for who you are.
See you for what I have loved, what I have hated.
Not just you, but..but everything.

Transcend into another world
Fall and fall and rise you will.
Scream out loud until you feel
what once connected now is not real.
But, what is real? If only we knew,
Is my upside-down vision too much for you?
Cause it's not my fault that I can see with my mind
See what you've all tried so hard just to find.
In fact it's hilarious to think where we've been
Swimming and sinking together in sin.

I don't really know where that came from, enjoy.

On top of the world, I'm sitting here wishing
the things I've become, that something is missing.
Maybe I...
What do I know?

On my own..
Well, I'm about to be.
What a terrifying and utterly horrific thought.

I love you. You're nothing old, darling.
They're just little words, you see.
We've been through this a thousand times.

Too many almost-wrecks today and yesterday.
I'm beginning to get depressed.
And I'm leaving. Too soon.
It's all I can do not to just sit and cry.

I wrote a sonnet.
But I'm just not in the mood to share any poetic nonsense right now.

Oh my god.
It was said.
It's out in the open now.
What am I to do?
I can't breathe until I know.

What am I doing?
Why am I rambling?
I can't speak.
Puddle of stutter.

I want to breathe you, baby.
I want to hear you speak again..

(and again and again and again)

All I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view but it's not sane..

[I just want someone to save me. I'll always be there when you wake.]

As time unravels, this life seems to do the same.
Things are fading, and I can see new beginnings in the distance but I'm not quite sure if I want to indulge in them.
I like the old way.
I like waking up to a hot Austin sun and riding around all day, just looking for somewhere to belong [WE COULD GO ANYWHERE]

Maybe my new horizons will move me.
I mean really move me. That's what I've been looking for.
Something or someone to touch me and...
...forgive me for almost saying "have everything else fade away" I don't want anything to fade away. I want something to really move me and let me breathe in all my surroundings, everything I love.

That, my friends, is what we should be looking for.
Why would you want "everything else to just fade away"?

Things are a-changin'...
[ the blog is under some construction, the Tagboard will be back in a matter of days. ]

<3

Mothers Day
Hm. Blogger seems to have readjusted a bit.
This weekend was a blur. A lot of being smashed and rambling. Lots of rambling, indeed. There were a few words wrongly spoken and a few actions wrongly taken, and for those I deeply apologize. I hope they will not have an effect in the future.

Thanks to A. Price for letting me shack up with her this weekend. I truly had mounds of fun, and I'm sorry for last nights' inconveniences. A lot of love goes to that young woman.

So, I wrote my mom a simple mothers' day poem--
SHE CRIED How adorable.
Here's to you, mom. You're the shit:

The one who raised me day and day,
with all the right advice to say.
Now 16 years have come and gone,
like beginning and end to a beautiful song.
And no matter the friends and strangers we meet,
it will always come down to my mom and me.

Muahahaha. Suck it.

I guess it's just like breathing [but not wanting to]
There are somethings you can't fake..

::sigh:: This weekend was horrible. Things are falling apart at the seams. Friendships, weekends entirely. Is this what it's like when you near the end?

[when all that's left is a fucking song..]

Damn that Theresa.

the OC. What a show. I must admit I've been indulging in it like chocolate. All of us, with our little remotes, sitting in the chairs infront of the TV as if they were showing Jesus or Porn. And to think! What a sick sad ending to this season. How the hell are they going to bring Ryan back?..Oh god. They had better bring Ryan back. But without that Theresa, thank you.

Wow, enough mindless rantings about television.
Yesterday I got my licence. Today I got my insurance.
Today I went and played with friends in my car and we made fun.

Tomorrow until Sunday I will be living at the Price residence. Allyson and myself will, indeed, be participating in all of the girly, sleep-over activities such as:

Nails, Hair, Makeup, Facials, etc.
Boy talk.
Girl talk.
Drives.
Smokes.
Etc.
My car is going into the shop tomorrow for my el systeme to be installed and ready by sunday/monday. I DO hope all works out well, I DO I DO I DO!

That's all. Twenty two days until I shoot myself.

..and I'll be strong
..and I will take your pain away.
..[and everytime it rains. I feel her holding me]

So it's finally starting to sink in. In 3 weeks, May 27th, the day after school lets out, I am taking my leave. God, this is so depressing.

I love you. Ya'll are like family.

LSD n AMT

Enjoy my English poem about Flapper Fashion in the 20's:


Stomping her feet when she won’t get her way
A generation of babies, what more to say?
Their parents were “squares” obsessed with “correct”
Their kids getting off with their talks about sex.
How did we let this happen? Taking swigs at the table?
I thought we were wild, how are they able?
We just want to be heard, so we dance and we sing
'Cause when I'm dancin' the Charleston this dress has got wings.
And the boys, they all want them, 'cause they're not like their mom
who waited in white in the corner at Prom.
No, these girls have got style.
Their hair is too short, their music too wild.
And reasons for dancing and smoking are clear.
Perhaps we all just need someone to hear.
And until someone did, or until someone does
They're Flappers, non-conformists, something like us.